If You Give a Teacher a Muffin
6 hours ago
Small Victories
It's a cliche, yes, but may I just point out that raising two little girls to be strong, independent, confident women is an uphill battle?
Bratz are banned from our house. They have been ever since I became aware of them, which was well before the girls started asking for them. Once the girls realized their existence, I quickly put them in the We Don't Do That, Buy That, or Watch That category and that postponed the pleas. Now, however, they are old enough to question me, and while Oldest Girl Child tends to be one of those really good kids, who earnestly tries to be fully obedient*, Youngest Girl Child wants to have Reasons. Good Reasons. Because Ordinary Reasons? Will Not Do.
She has actually driven me to saying, "Because I said so! Now stop asking!" which I swore I would never do. (Yeah, yeah, yeah - one more myth of pre-motherhood, shattered. You may all laugh ... 3, 2, 1 ... OK, that's enough. Stop laughing now.)
After getting that response a few times too many, she has decided to attack from downwind, by casually dropping this kind of statement on me:
"Mommy, when I grow up, I'm going to let my little kids (whatever action I have forbidden her to do)"
Today, on the way to preschool, she piped up from the backseat, "Mommy, when I grow up, I'm going to let my children play with Bratz."
She's said that several times lately, and I haven't known how to deal with it. How can I possibly explain to a preschooler that I have banned those toys because of what I regard as a highly sexualized portrayal of women? That I don't want her being influenced at a very impressionable time in her life by dolls wearing ... well, clothes that can only be described using language I prefer not to use in front of a little sponge.**
The girls have friends with those toys. They see the displays in the stores. There are ads on TV. They inform me that there is a Bratz website with wonderful! fascinating! games! I don't even know where they heard about the website, except through friends, which highlights for me that they are moving out into the wider world, and the influences there are not what I want for my daughters.
It scares me, and it makes me angry. There are so many destructive messages out there. The idea that to be promiscuous is to empowered. The idea that beauty is the most important thing about a woman. That getting attention, no matter how you have to sell your soul to do it, is the road to happiness. That being regarded as sexy is more important than having integrity. That moral courage is an old-fashioned and outdated concept. That being intelligent doesn't mean anything if you're not attractive. That it's impossible to have an ideal and live up to it, and you shouldn't even expect that of yourself.
So I talked with YGC about how the first priority of the people who make toys and other products is making money through their products. How they frequently don't care if what they make is good or bad for you, as long as they can get you to buy it. How Bratz look pretty, but represent a way of looking at the world that is bad for her, and has the potential to hurt her in the long run.
She asked questions, and I stumbled through answers for most of the drive to preschool. And when we were done, she said, "Mommy, when I have kids, I'm going to tell them that Bratz are not good for you."
I never know how much she understands, or how much she is capable of understanding. Sometimes I try to explain a concept that seems simple to me, but turns out to be completely beyond her capacity. And then sometimes there are days like today. I don't know what was processed through her mind; I don't know if her understanding is what I would want for her on this subject. But I am cautiously optimistic that I got through to her, at least a little bit.
At the very least, I am hopeful that I will be able to stop fighting with her about it.
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*And, I fear, will wake up one fine morning, sometime in the next few years, with the rebellion switch turned "ON" and my life will suddenly become all, "Welcome to Hell: Teenage daughters and why it is All Your Fault"
**It's hard enough fighting the stereotypes that I have allowed (and now kind of regret allowing.) I had no idea that I'd have to talk so fast to overcome the influence of those stupid Disney princesses.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
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8 comments:
I have never liked them for the same reasons you do not. However, I have just told them 3 things that I don't like: 1) how they talk rude and sassy to each other on the cartoons; 2) how they always seem to show their shoulders and bellies--which they know is not modest; and 3) how it is extremely weird and creepy that their feet come off just to change their shoes! Those reasons made enough sense.
It comes up every so often when we walk by them at the store, but they remind each other why I won't buy them. BUT, I have allowed them to have the Angel babies of the line, since they are just babies and have nothing provocative about them that I can see.
Emilie has several times told me "When I grow up and I'm a mom, I will ..." To which I usually reply, "When you are a mom, it will be your job to make those decisions. But for now, it is my job."
Another aside, in thinking about your earlier blog about makeup and fingernail polish. It is natural for girls to be attracted to things that are sparkly and pretty. Makeup IS one of those things. Think about it, they aspire to grow up to be beautiful young women and they notice that often includes makeup (most intelligent, successful, strong women in our society also wear makeup--it is not only worn by starlets and hussies). You even wear it. It is part of their role playing. I find success by not outlawing it completely, but in allowing it on MY terms. We purchase particular colors and talk about how it should be done in a pretty way and not extreme or so that you look like a clown. I tell them it is not an everyday thing because they are children and do not need it to look pretty. They have to ask permission and need do it either in the bathroom or at the kitchen table so as to be supervised. I get to teach them about it before they become teenagers who listen more to their friends than they do to me.
I think sometimes when a thing is completely outlawed, it makes it more desirable just for curiosity sake.
Leslie,
Excellent comment!
I hate Bratz dolls and I'm a grownup doll lover. They're ugly, badly designed and they appear to exist to show young girls how to dress like sluts. Not good! I didn't know their feet came off...that's mega creepy!
I don't have children so I'll miss the great to Bratz or not to Bratz argument, but I remember being a child and not understanding sexual inuendo. I loved particular songs on the radio...8675309 Jennie...I used to sing that at church as a child! I had no idea Jennie was a prostitute until after I grew up. And one of my favorites around the age of nine was My Sharona...I only recently figured out his Sharona is not his car! Children do process things differently than adults. They don't see that the Bratz dolls are sluts. They just see a fashionable doll that all their friends have. Saying that I think a good parent has to draw a line and teach the principle Jen outlined.
If I had a little girl and she was dying for a Bratz I'd probably make a compromise...she could have the doll, but we...her and I would have to make it some modest clothing. It would be an excellent excuse to teach the basics in fashion design and pattern making (I'd be one of those irritating parents...my children would probably all run away from my teaching moments as soon as they could afford it). Together we could design and make a whole wardrobe (if I only had one child and nothing else better to do ie feed said child).
If the child decided that the compromise wasn't acceptable (that the doll had to have the slutty clothes) she wouldn't get the doll and I'd be secretly relieved I wouldn't have to get out the sewing machine! And I'd then be able to tell her in future every time she mentioned wanting a Bratz that she decided she didn't want the doll...because she didn't want to learn pattern making! I'd be so evil! Evil canned laughter... ;>
That's a good point, Leslie. I'll have to think about that.
My Bostonia says to me "When I grow up I'm not going to do any chores! I'm going to make my kids do them all!!!!"
and I say, "You know what, that's exactly what I decided when I was little, and look... it worked!"
She doesn't think that's so funny.
The other day we had a run in about clothes, it was probably our first 'adult' modesty conversation (the other's being me explaining the importance of modesty and her agreeing cause she adores the ground I walk on).
So she comes to me on one of these unexpected sunny days wearing a pair of shorts that fit last summer. They now come to mid thigh.
"Honey, you can't wear those. They're to short." I say.
"What! No they're not."
"They don't go to your knee's honey, they are."
"Well some of the girls wear shorts that are so short you can't even see them under their shirts."
"Well you don't. You know the rules, it has to go to your knee's."
"But Mom! those aren't shorts then, they're capris."
"No, Capris go to your mid calf, shorts go to your knees."
"But...."
"Go take them off, Victoria."
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She screamed and ran into her room.
I said to Robert, "See this is why you start early. Imagine that when she's 16."
I don't allow bratz in my house either, for the very same reasons as you all (feet included).
But I do do what Cari suggested, except with barbies. We make modest clothes and if the barbies are going to take any excursions out of the house they have to be dressed modestly, just like us.
Esperity,
You make me laugh! I loved that come back though...those aren't shorts, those are capris...that was a very good try! And your come back...excellent! :D
Love it!
thats what scares me...her comebacks are so good and she's only 7! what happens when she's older? I keep telling Robert he'd better not croak before my children get through their teen years cause I don't think I can do it alone.
Oh, yeah, the importance of getting 'em started on modesty when they're still young. It's one of those things that I always thought Mom and Dad were so mean about when I was a kid - and then when I hit my early 20's our parents suddenly seemed so much more sensible!! I decided then that when I had kids I'd make them dress modestly from the beginning, and (hopefully) cut down a little on the arguments when they were teenagers.
We have disagreements about it even now ("Your tummy is showing - put on an undershirt." "No, it isn't! I don't need an undershirt!" "Put it on now, or you don't go out to play." Small child stomps off to her room ...) I figure there's no way to avoid clashing on this when they hit their teen years, but I also can't help thinking that buying them sleeveless / miniskirted / belly-baring / neckline-plunging outfits now will only make it even harder during those years than it has to be.
Keeping my fingers crossed - y'all would not BELIEVE how pessimistic dealing with The Boy Child's teen years has made me feel about my future as the maternal unit of two hormonal adolescent females. Especially with one of them already prone to do things like slamming doors, throwing herself around dramatically, rolling her eyes, and making inarticulate noises of incoherent despair over my cruelty in enforcing family rules and safety requirements.
Their father is threatening to die young to get out of dealing with PMSing daughters; I have let him know that I will hunt him down and drag him back to this life if he cuts out on me before they are both out of the house. I am NOT raising teenage girls by myself. NOT, NOT, NOT.
Jen, you are a wise woman! I wouldn't let your husband die either! Non negotiable.
I'd wager the nastiest teens all feel unloved regardless of whether their parents love them or not. Have you read that book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? The author was totally inspired and he's done a version specifically on loving teenagers. I would count The Five Love Languages as one of the most important books I have ever read. If we can figure out how the individuals in our family units (including ourselves) need/crave to be loved (ie which love language we prefer) it gives one the ability to defuse all sorts of emotional bombs.
Being able to show one's teenage child (under average circumstances - drugs and mental health problems aside) that one loves them must make life that bit easier! Maybe... :)
PS I sometimes wonder if the problem today is that the average teenager has too much time and money to spend wallowing in self. When I read about teenage carers who take care of a sick single parent, go to school, keep house...these young people aren't freaking out all over the place and their lives are freakin hard! Young teenagers used to go into service and do hard long days of work (in many parts of the world they still do) I doubt these young people have the time or energy to throw tantrums. I suspect our over self gratifying society is partly to blame for the severity of the homonal storm.
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