A Jen Too Many

Lately, every time I run into an acquaintance I haven't seen for awhile, the same question comes up.

"So, what are you going to do come fall?"

At first I danced around the topic, distracting my questioners by talking about refocusing on my writing career again. I felt like I had to justify my existence, now that my full-time stay at home mom gig was dropping down to nights and weekends. I worried people would think I'd be spending my days lazing around, spending all those school hours watching TV, playing on the internet, and getting fat.*

I've been thinking about it though. As of the beginning of this next school year, I will have spent close to a decade of full-time parenting. That's nearly 10 years of acute sleep deprivation. Nearly 10 years where the longest time I have spent away from the kids was one 24 hour getaway with my husband. Nearly 10 years of being constantly on call.

I have spent whole nights cleaning up after vomiting people, washing load after load of laundry. I have changed more diapers, disposed of more pull-ups, changed more wet sheets than I care to think about. I have talked, talked, talked at my two little ones (I try to make it "with" but it usually ends up being "at"), made them role-play, stood them in corners, and given them time-outs, all in the name of teaching them to get along and play nicely with others, "starting with your sister, kid!"

I have dealt with far too many emergency room visits, involving everything from gushing founts of blood to mysterious tummy pains that had the girl in question writhing in agony.

Mostly, though, it's about being on call 24 hours a day. Let me repeat that:

24 / 7 = Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week = Every second, of every minute, of every day.

All in the service of miniature humans who insist they cannot bear to be separated from their mother for more than a few minutes at a time.

I am tired. And I think I deserve a break.

So here's my official answer to the question of what I will be doing this next fall:

I am going to take a few months and spend them on myself. I am going to finally get to join a fitness club and spend quality time exercising my sweat glands, without having to jump off the machine every few minutes exclaiming, "No! We do not write on our sister with permanent marker!"

I am going to enjoy the novelty of having a house that stays clean for more than 5 minutes at a time. I am going to go shopping by myself. I am going to be the only person in my fitting room when I try on clothes.

I am going to nap.

I am going to play the non-child-appropriate music that I haven't listened to in years, and I'm going to listen to it at a volume that would hurt their tender little ears. In the middle of the day, I will watch whatever TV show I want to watch. Dora and Diego will not be welcome. I will sort toys while I watch PG-13 DVDs, and throw out any toys I deem appropriate, no negotiation required.

I will play loud music in my car whenever I am driving somewhere, and I will sing along with my favorite lines. When I don't know the words I will sing anyway. When I buy birthday or Christmas presents I will bring the presents home openly, not hiding them under bagsful of groceries in the back of the van.

I will rediscover who Jennifer is when no children are around. And when I have done that, then I can go back to writing and being an otherwise productive member of society. But not until then.
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*As if I need to have the kids in school to do all that!