A Jen Too Many

A woman I know slightly has been blogging about some steps she is taking to improve the way she treats her husband. She started off by doing something nice for him. He didn't exactly respond well. In fact, his reaction was to accuse her of trying to lay a guilt trip on him. Unsurprisingly, she started feeling like she was wasting her time. She squashed that reaction, though, and reminded herself that it would take a while for real change to happen.

I posted a quick comment encouraging her and then had to stop myself from hauling out the soap box. "Good luck," I wrote at the end of my comment. "You won't regret doing this." What I wanted to say, though, was more along the lines of this:

We live in world that encourages us to think in terms of profit and loss. We tally up. We keep track. We measure our energy and effort output and compare it to what the people around us are doing. We do this in our friendships, in our work relationships, and sometimes, especially in our marriages. If I do something for you, what are you going to do for me? Have you done as many good things for me as I have for you? Have you paid me for my favors to you, if only in being appropriately grateful for how nice I have been?

It's not a good way to handle a relationship, any sort of relationship. Especially not a marriage.

When I wrote, "You won't regret this doing this," I didn't mean, "This is going to work, and everything is going to be wonderful in your marriage if you just keep it up." I meant, "You will never regret doing the right thing, and in marriage, refusing to keep an ledger of favors done and received is the the right thing. Even if he never acknowledges a single thing you've done for him; even if everything falls apart, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you did what you could to keep your marriage strong and healthy."

(Now, I did not say that to her, because I don't think she needs to hear anyone saying, right now, "Hey, even if it doesn't work out ..." So I'm saying it here, on my personal always-pulled-out-for-easy-access soapbox.)

I was taught throughout my childhood to look to Jesus Christ as an example of how to live. He loved and served others regardless of their ability to "repay". I need to do the same thing with the people I know. It doesn't matter what they do in return. This isn't about their choices. It's about my choices. I have a responsibility to treat the people around me with love and kindness regardless of how they act. Not that I always achieve my goals in that, but I keep trying and like to think that I am improving as time goes by.

Several years ago I had an experience that made me aware of a very simple, but powerful, truth: I have never regretted obeying the Lord.

In all my life, I have never once said, "Wow, I wish I hadn't kept that commandment!" or, "What a waste of time it was to do the right thing!" I have never regretted following the Savior's example. I have never been unhappy that I kept a commandment. I have never been sorry I did the right thing. I have only ever been glad when I did those things.

On the other hand, I have always come to regret those times I have lived down to my worst impulses, or even just my not-so-lofty impulses.

So when I say, "You won't regret this," that's only shorthand for everything I just said in this post.